LOOMPALAND by Matthew F. Amati

Still trying to get LOOMPALAND published. So far…crickets.

I am pleased to report that unlike my previous two efforts, this one is great!

I wrote it in six weeks.

I’d been reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to Emme, who was five years old at the time.

Charlie was one of my favorite books as a kid.

Re-reading it, I started to think, as perhaps you have, about these Oompa-Loompas.

They’re essentially slaves. Even for a kids’ book, they’re an appalling creation.

I started to think: I’ll bet Wonka has some convenient fiction by whose logic the Loompas aren’t “slaves” but rather “at-will employees under contract” or some such.

I’ll bet they get drunk a lot, too, I thought.

I’ll bet Willy Wonka is somebody I’d hate, I also thought.

Here’s the first chapter.

The Lines


Shift whistle.

Bill P! Where’s Bill P! Where is that idiot? He wants to keep his job in Hards N’ Suckables, he better shake his dick!

There you are, P. Where you been? Get me a pack tally on Wonka’s Zipdoodles, Whangspackles, and Schnozzberry Footle Plops. I need the line count for Whizzticklers and Whipdiddlies. After that, speed up Grapelicious Palsy Goo, Yumsnockers, Fapshooters, and Gumtingling Giggle Kreems. Slow the line on Wiggling Whompdaddies. Extrude more Wonka’s Fuzzy Dumping Paste! Tweak the stamp force on Splurds, they’re coming out squashed. Unclog the Oogies chute. Lube the pumps on Fizzy Grits! More Kloddz, more Kooks, more Jinkies, Zarfs, Brainzappers, Peach Nerves, Dingleberries, Wimps, Buncos, Poppin’ Punch Tards, and Apple Shivers!

Hold up! We’re over quota on Vajazzle Paps.

Bill P! Get your ass on the squirt floor. Ramp up Goggleknockers, Milkscreamers, Bug Pods, Lumpy Melting Slops, Sneezewhippets, and Zitdiddlers! More Wowsie-Lousies, Ham Straws, Gristle Twists, Fug Blusters, Whoopee Squeezers, Fruit Wartzz, Klodds, and Raspberry Fear! More, more, more Smeary Nut Slump! More Draindribbles, Candy Cornholes, and Humpies!

Where the hell are my Dippin’ Derps?

Change out the flavors on the Gum Duds. No more Pear, Rubber, or Muskmelon. We need Orange, Kumquat, Banana, Bacon, and Soap.

Lookin’ good, Loompas! We’re crankin’ on Zootsoots, Craptastics, Armpitz, Pootslippers, Whackdaffies, Numbskulks, Punk Yankers, Mudripple Dream Drips, Bowl Floaties, Naffy Taffy, Pluguglies, and Guff Snarts. Batch 3350 of Rat Blasters have missing heads. Demand’s up for Gazongas, Schizoids, Jitters, Butter Gutters, Krinkle Crusts. The Tittle Twits taste a little off, the color’s wrong for the cherry flavored Nads. Oh, and grab a wrench. The shrinkwrapper for the fun-size boxes of Silly Sacs has gone haywire. It’s barfing big old sheets of cellophane everywhere.

Get goin’, Bill P! More Frooti Magnuts, more Skumps, more Lo-Sugar Watermelon Blunts! We’re right on target with Chix, Hose Monsters, Tickle Tummies, Blatts, Rump Flushers, Weepies, Cracks, Glooms, Chuckers, Gobs, Spunx, and Spines.