The History of the Later Universe

A guy invented a rocket that could go much faster than light. Soon a billion worlds crawled with humans. “Hey, I’d like to rule all of this, the benefits where I’m concerned would be remarkable,” someone said, and soon he was Galactic Death Lord Supreme. “This is great,” said the GDLS, “but look, there are some rebels!” The rebels overthrew the GDLS, and everything was briefly awesome, but then toothed reptilian warriors from a far away galaxy began eating human beings at an awful rate, so there was fighting about that, until advanced energy minds from the 88th Dimension forcibly enacted tranquility over all life, which rendered things pretty dull until the discovery of time travel, at which point the American Civil War got truly strange, and Cleopatra tried on a pork pie hat. Time travel stopped being a thing when the Convention of Altair said not to do it, so there was nothing to do but have lots of wars, some involving humans, and some involving humans and the reptile creatures, so everyone stayed busy and productive, but as humans expanded to the edges of the observable universe, they found themselves evolving into egglike creatures with a single eye, and these creatures forgot the time travel ban and went back in time to fight the primate humans of yesteryear who mistakenly thought the Eggmen were aliens but when they realized the truth it dawned on the ape humans that every time they reproduced they were bolstering, at a distance of 1000000000 generations, the Eggman armies that they were fighting. So humans stopped having sex with each other and settled for an intense kind of heavy petting that involved specially customized vacuum cleaners, with the result that the vacuum cleaners became ever more artificially intelligent and became pleasure-delivering sentient cyber lifeforms in their own right, at which point the “hoovers” had no choice but to go to war with the humans, whom they dubbed “fuckers” and this war wiped out fuckers and hoovers down to the last two individuals who fell in love, and thanks to a Home Genome Kit and a set of welding tools, they were able to reproduce, giving birth to the first Vacumen, cyborganic superbeings who could leap from galaxy to galaxy with no need to breathe eat or rest.  The Vacumen amused themselves by playing billiards with suns and making cats-cradles with nebulae. That was OK and a fair bit of fun until the universe itself started to contract, and the Vacumen found themselves huddled together in a shrinking balloon of spacetime. Now the available space shrunk to a singularity, and so compressed became the massive metal Vacumen that they grew quite hot and burst their singularity and the history of the Universe started again, an exact repeat of the previous universe, except in the new one, human beings, when they came along, had only two nostrils, so count your nose holes and you can tell what universe you live in, thanks, bye.

Author: mattamati

Nothing remarkable to report. Born in suburbs. Diffidently educated. Used to do other jobs, now he does this one. Fancies self a writer.

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