Chuck Bucket

Wonka’s sent his minion out to negotiate.

Hello, Loompas. I am Charlie Bucket. I assist Mr. Wonka in running this Factory.

I just LOVE candy!

So, Loompas, what can Wonka Inc. do for you?

(Wool, Silk, Tweed, and Lycra step forward.)

Hello, Mister Bucket.

Please. Call me Chuck.

All right, Chuck Bucket. We have polled our fellow Loompas. Taken a survey. Crunched the data. Strained the results. What we Loompas want is the following:

Higher pay per hour.

Higher pay per day.

Forty weeks paid vacation per month.

Overtime during vacation.

Raises indexed to the time of day at 81.4%.

Sex Parlors.


Retirement at age eleven.

Unretirement at twelve, followed by immediate re-retirement, with attendant cash influx.

Due process.

Habeas Corpus.

Lux In AEternitas.

Hic Haec Hoc.

Dulce Et Decorum.

Triumph of the Will.

The Loompas further demand: Social Extremity. Medicure. Medicalaid. Government bonds. Government cheese. Sock Hoptions. Windfalls. Revenue Sharing. Revenue Grabbing. Capitated Dividend Bites. Slot winnings. Blue Chips. Corn Chips. Triple XXX Bond Ratings (the harsh stuff). Credit Default Swaps. Home Iniquity. Pork Bellies. Grain Futures. Legionnaire’s Disease. T-Bills. Q-Bills. Long term debt. Debt forgiveness. Debt vengeance. Exotic derivatives. Toxic assets. Foreign Exchanges. Bonds. Loans. Interest. Caps and Floors. Silver Certificates. Gold Ingots. Confederate scrip. IOUs. Derivatives. Originals. Scratch Offs. Seat on the Coffee Exchange. Francs and deutschmarks. Coin of the Realm. Intitial Public Offerings. Sacrificial Offerings. Forward Rate Agreements, and backwards ones too. The NYSE. The Hang Seng. NASDUCK. The Venus de Milo. Commercial paper. Fresh nickels. A chicken in every port. Silk purses made from the horns of dilemmas. Forty acres and a mule.

(Chuck Bucket considers.)




No to what?

No to all of it.

No? To all our demands?

That’s right. You heard me.

There are five thousand of us Loompas gathered here.

Is that a threat? Are you threatening myself with harm bodily and corporeal, myself being Chuck Bucket, Mr. Wonka’s designated representative? Hertofore and forthwith &c.?

Maybe. Who’s that behind you, writing this down?


Oh. So that’s how it is?

Yes. That’s how it is. You little orange freaks can suck it, is what I would say.

Racist somewhat, I would say.

The white man is the orange man’s superior, is how I would put it.

White man should maybe watch his pasty rear end, is what I could add to that. Few white men here, thousands of orange. Sheer numbers, and so on.

I’d suggest all Loompas return to their jobs, would be my response. The mass firings begin five minutes from now.

Author: mattamati

Nothing remarkable to report. Born in suburbs. Diffidently educated. Used to do other jobs, now he does this one. Fancies self a writer.

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