Science Fiction Writer. It’s not a totally ridiculous thing to pretend to be. Although I’ve entered early middle age without so much as a single writing credit, who cares? In another life, I pretend to be a musician. So fuck it. If Dan Brown can pretend to be a writer, so can I. Hey lookee, I’m a science fiction writer!
So, from my initial research, I gather the way to write science fiction is to read Discover magazine and find some truly horrific article about ant-brain-fungus or what-have-you, and then rewrite the article only with the insects swapped out for spacemen.
Here is my first science fiction novel. It’s 200 words long, and goes by the title DWAYNE GETS EATEN BY MAGGOTS IN A MANNER EXTRAPOLATED FROM FACTS I GLEANED READING A RECENT ARTICLE IN DISCOVER MAGAZINE ABOUT HOW CATERPILLARS GET EATEN BY MAGGOTS AND THEN ACT LIKE MOMMIES TO THEIR DISGUSTING BROOD OF PARASITES.
The rule on 55 Cancri b, which the beryllium miners called by the pungent name of Fuck This Rock, was simple: any injury received on the job, no matter how insignificant, must be reported. So the foreman wore a sour expression as he regarded the figure of Dwayne Pordle in the sickbay bed. Dwayne Pordle, a tattooed rill-digger, had not reported his injury, until he was writhing in an unseen fire of pain and had to be braindrained. Today Pordle reported he was feeling better. Upon seeing his foreman’s expression, Pordle wasn’t feeling so good again.
“Tell me again. What was it exactly that bit you?”
“Bug. Bout three inches long. Big ole stinger like a needle.”
“And you failed to report this why?”
Pordle shrugged. “Had a big ole seam to dig out. Little bug bite. Didn’t hurt none.”
The medics said Pordle was “recovering.” That prognosis was drastically overturned two days later. On that day, Pordle ate three times his normal amount at morning mess, and was later described as distracted, feverish. Later, Pordle sought out the darkest corner of the compound, and huddled there as sixteen to twenty fist-sized maggots burrowed out through his abdominal wall. Sec reported they’d found the victim crouched over his brood of maggots, brandishing a sidearm. “Don’t you touch ’em!” he shrieked. “Thems are my babies!”
See how easy it is?
Yes, I gratefully accept this Hugo award. And the Nebula too, thank you, you’re too kind. Uh-oh, Zombie Isaac Asimov doesn’t seem pleased…